There you are sitting in her bean bag chair in the corner of her living room. She couldn’t tell by looking at you but you feel like you’re coming out of your skin because you’re in such anguish.
I remember how you mentally kicked yourself, “Why did I invite my roommate to join us?”
You thought the new volunteer at the youth group was interesting. You set this visit up.
You’d been unselfish and inclusive when you invited your roommate along to meet her. You wanted to be open and free about this rather than keeping her to yourself. This was a new shift. You’ve got a new sense of spiritual strength and you’re done with looking for acceptance and affection to fill a void you thought was there.
But are you? Right now you feel completely left out–invisible.
“I would like some attention please, if you don’t mind,” I remember shouting to them in my head. What a fool I was.
You want her attention. You want to share all the spiritual inspiration you’ve gained in your walk with God. You have so much to contribute to the conversation, so much to share!
There they are, talking away about transcendental meditation. They’re really communicating with each other–and leaving me out completely. It’s obvious that she is clearly into eastern religions / and they are clicking the way I wanted to click with her.
You feel awful. You don’t like feeling so needy again. You start to pray.
I’ll never forget those prayers. You start to tell yourself / that you have God. That you know that His love is all you need. There’s no void that needs filling. You are adamant that you are humble. You are patient. You are loving.
I remember how you really turned to God and said from a deep place in your heart, “Oh God, make me so. Help me feel my true worth, my completeness, my holiness, my goodness right now. Take away this pain of wanting — of wanting attention, of wanting affection, of needing anything but you and your satisfying love.”
Moments later, you’ll say silently, “Ahhhh, I’m beginning to feel you now God. Thank you. Thank you.”
A shift is taking place in thought. You begin to feel a divine sense of completeness. You begin to be glad / that your two friends are enjoying their conversation. You begin to be happy you had this opportunity to learn more about who you are as a spiritual idea of God.
And by then / you don’t want to talk. You don’t want anything to take away this feeling you have.
She’s about to turn to you and ask your approach to spirituality / which you longed for her to ask 30 or 40 minutes ago. You feel so different now. You feel happy and satisfied. Not wanting to break the peace you feel, you’ll respond with just two words: “I pray.” End of conversation.
What you don’t know now, but you will soon / is that this new friend was awestruck by your answer. She’ll tell you more than once when you’re married that those two short words felt dynamic while at the same time being simple and pure, especially after all the talk with your roommate. The power, the simplicity, the spirituality she felt (when you responded) made her want to know more — much more.
Published in the May 7, 2012 issue of the Christian Science Sentinel